Rantings of a Hormonal Freakazoid

If you are younger than thirty, just don't even bother. You will not understand any of this. The title should be a warning. Tread carefully, dear reader. There will be outbursts. And tears. And maniacal laughter. This was written under severe hormonal stress so I am not responsible for what is published. So, my hormones are plotting against me. And every other woman I know who is in the vicinity of my age. If you are thinking, "deal with it", I will cut you. Keep your thoughts to yourself, for cussing out loud. Where was I? Oh yes, my hormones have taken out on a contract on me. How do I know this? Let me count the ways. 

For one thing, I have been tracking my weekly emotions. And every single week this month, I have had days (read: weeks) where all I want to do is stay in bed, cry, eat my feelings* and generally assassinate anyone who comes near me. Now, in the past, this has happened once in a while but now it's every cussing week. 

Chili fry therapy. 

For another, I vacillate between the depths of despair-everybody-hates-me to top o' the world I-can-do-anything feelings. All in the space of three minutes. I cry. A lot. Weeping, snot-inducing, self-pity tears. Every week of this month, I have had a cry-fest. Normally, I cry once a month or so. This is now a weekly occurrence. I can almost put it on the calendar, it's so regular. And I am waiting for it to be a daily occurrence because I just know that's where I am headed. In fact, thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'll be back. Sniff. 

Don't even talk to me about sex. I LOVE SEX! Did I just write that out loud? No, that hasn't changed but while I am talking about it, one can simply not have sex when one has TEENAGERS in their house 24/7. Not a hormonal rant but a parental one. 

Many of you are thinking, is this what her blog is going to be about? Her going through menopause? (Quietly unsubscribe.)  It's okay. I understand. And no, my blog isn't going to be about me going through menopause. Mwuuuhahahahaha! (Have you ever wondered how the heck to write out that maniacal laugh? Spell check? Auto correct? Help?)

Sorry, where was I? Yes, this is also what happens when I am in a hormonal meltdown. I can't keep track of what I was saying. SQUIRREL! 

Cruella is becoming my BFF. She understands me. And now, I understand her! She was just going through menopause!! That's why she wanted to murder sweet little puppies for a coat! 

My therapist, Dr. Phil's wife, says that taking black cohosh should help with hot flashes. I am not sure I want to ingest something that sounds like I dug it out of my garbage disposal. Speaking of hot flashes, I am not sure I am having those yet but I have woken up completely drenched in....wait, am I really telling you all this? I really do need an intervention. But my advice is to time it so that I am mid-weep, rather than mid-I-will-cut-you. 

Well, I don't know about you but this has helped me tremendously. Who needs a therapist? Just start a blog. 

Would love to hear your thoughts. If you dare (wink!)

*the way my friends and I deal with our feelings, normally negative ones. We eat what we feel. Chili cheese fries, pizza and/or a double cheeseburger will suffice. Or a chocolate sundae. Entirely different than drinking your feelings which is never advisable and bad, very bad, children. 

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