I feel pretty stripped right now. I feel bare. Exposed. Empty. Vulnerable. Exhausted. Depressed. Much like my house as is shown in the photos below. I've been wrestling with these feelings because I keep telling myself I "should" handle this move/displacement better (I had to pack up my house in about a weeks' time after living there for eighteen years due to a massive, much needed remodel.) Do you ever "should" on yourself?
As I was having a royal weep-fest last week, in a parking lot of all places, my Bean said something very insightful about my meltdown(s). The past two weeks have been chaotic, stressful, exhausting. I noticed a knee-jerk reaction when I am in chaos. During a time of chaos, I always go to a dark place of feeling abandoned, alone, not cared for, not looked after, etc. Bean gently reminded me that it goes back to past hurts. Times in my life when chaos ruled and I did not feel cared for and even felt neglected or ignored.
|This is our house as of November 5. |
I hate that this is my knee-jerk reaction. It's painful. Yet, I am grateful God is putting His finger on this hurt because it means that healing will come. It will probably hurt like a mother, but it will come. I guess it's time for a massive remodel on my heart.
Another thing I noticed is that I don't allow myself room to grieve and go through hard times. As I said, I "should" on myself. I should be grateful, I should be stronger, I should be whatever-the-hell-I-am-not-doing-that-I-should-be-doing. I don't validate that I am going through a hard time. I AM GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME! Why do I measure what I am going through compared to someone else's struggles and decide my struggle isn't as bad or not as hard? I do that to myself and I find others do it too. It's rare to find someone who will validate the struggle. Heck, I can't even validate it myself half the time. But no more.
Right now, I am sitting in my sorrow. I am exploring those painful knee-jerk reactions. I am giving myself permission to cry and grieve and feel the pain. I am embracing the feelings I am going through, not believing they are entirely true but they are indeed real. I am gracing myself. I am telling the guilt to shut the cuss up. I am giving myself permission to receive when my modus operandi is to give. And I am not giving myself a time limit to go through these things, either.
This is a pretty vulnerable post and I will probably be snotting into a tissue instead of being able to comment on your comments but know they mean the world to me.
Labels: bare, chaos, grace, grief, hard times, healing, pain, remodel, sorrow, stripped, struggle, validation, vulnerable